Sleep jokes
Why was the broom late? Because it had overslept.
Q. When is your grandfather's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?
Oh sheet!
On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.
Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.
What does Michael Jackson ask little boys before going to bed? Are you sleeping?
There was a kidnapping, but he woke up.
From now on, we’re gonna call shitting the bed an “Amber Alert.”
What do you call a sleeping cow?
Ground beef.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"
"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."
The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"
The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."
"What about the boy?" the woman asked.
The doctor said, "Denephew."
I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.
Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like everyone else in the plane.
It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"
Gen Z is most likely going to be the last generation who felt the pain of getting up early to catch their favorite show.
Why do people think about handsome boys at night?
Because they're dreamy!
Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"
Depression: "Lie in bed."
I like my men like I like my Alexa:
By my bed and turned on.
How's your dad?
What? I forgot he's still sleeping.
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.