Short jokes
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Being the first to move in chess.
It’s a white privilege.
What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?
Reality.
What song do supportive parents of a closeted child love?
“The Son Will Come Out Tomorrow.”
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.
Why can’t orphans have phones?
Because it has a home button!
Why can’t Americans play chess?
They lost 2 towers.
What’s the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.
It was women driving the planes for 9/11.
What do you call it when a gay guy farts?
An abortion.
What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
Why did the telemarketer cross the road?
I don't know.
I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people. You're much worse than that.
What do the initials CIA stand for?
Central Intelligence of A**holes.