Short jokes
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
Why can’t orphans have phones?
Because it has a home button!
What’s the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.
It was women driving the planes for 9/11.
What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.
If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?
Her sister is a real Dess-ember!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.
Why was Santa happy?
'Cause he has hoes.
Your dad is so fat that when he walks past the TV, I miss three episodes of South Park.
A Thai woman ran into a wall. What does she break?
Her boner.
What is the worst part about making an Asian girl squirt?
She charges you for extra sauce!
My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.
How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Your mom is so stupid that she thought LGBTQ was a sandwich.