Short jokes
"Get off your computer, Jessie Jex."
I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"
Your mamma so fat she has to use the equator as her belt.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A Milano’s cherry.
Yo head built like 2 parentheses.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
What is the opposite of a lady finger?
Answer: Mentos.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
My classmate, Hailey Legacy.
Why did the teddy bear decide not to eat the turkey?
Because he was too stuffed.
Why did the depressed kid jump off the bike? It was free depressed day.
What do you call an alligator detective??
An investi-gator.
I was at a funeral. I kissed a hot girl I did not know. She was the one that died.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Who's climbing the tree?..... Not Sarah.
Who is in hospital?.... Sarah.
What do the Twin Tower survivors order from Tim Hortons? A plane bagel.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Akeld." "Akeld who?" "Assfeild!"
Teacher: Okay class, what's a word that begins with A?
Student: Apple!
Teacher: Good! What's a word beginning with B?
Student:....Bitch...