Short jokes

I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.

You aren't alone. If you ever need to chat, I'm here. From one person to another. I hate this condition. I wish we didn't struggle.

What's the only thing with 4 legs Asians don't eat? A table.

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.

How do you punish a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

Q: How do you make a door cry?

A: Twist its knob.

Q: Have you ever felt a window?

A: Did you feel the pane?

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.

Why does Sans like puns so much? Probably because he finds them humorous.

Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?

A: Look in a mirror.

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

"Wait, I can explain everything!"

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."