I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 2 Step 6,7,8 9,10
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Leave a like down below if you think Stephen Hawking should stand for the National Anthem.
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?
Who else would think of adding gas?
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."
What pool never runs dry? The one on the Titanic.
I made a website for orphans, unfortunately it doesn't have a homepage.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.