Short jokes

Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have? 10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"