Short jokes

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

Wanna hear some famous last words?

"We are just experiencing some turbulence."

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.