Short jokes
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.