What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
