Short jokes

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says "No Tres passing."

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.

The three unwritten rules of life:

1. 2. 3.

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.