Short jokes
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
What's Thanos' favorite game?
Half-life.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.
Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.