Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" -- The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Dark humor is a lot like food.
Not everyone gets it.
Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children
What's the difference between a school and an ISIS military base? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.