Short jokes

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have? 10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."

I hate two-faced people because I don't know which face to slap first.

China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.