Short jokes

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."

I hate two-faced people because I don't know which face to slap first.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.