My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
"What do we want?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
