My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
"What do we want?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My family is like a treasure...
You need a map and shovel to find them.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
