Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 2 Step 6,7,8 9,10

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

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