Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Kid: but mom I don’t want to see grandma Mom: shut up and keep digging

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water

Who else would think of adding gas

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

The three unwritten rules of life:

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

Would you like to try African food??

They would too.

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self raising

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.