What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty three times.
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
