Short jokes

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

"Everywhere."

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.