Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty three times.
Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" -- The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
