Short jokes
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
What did Stevie Wonder's mom do to punish him as a child?
She rearranged all the furniture.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."