"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
