Short jokes
Guys, I know how to stop racism. Delete the word "racism." People can't be something that doesn't exist.
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
Your hairline be looking like the Great Recession.
What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?
"Here's the beef of the week!"
Yo mama's so poor, she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.
How do you ride two bikes at once?
You ride them in tandem!
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
Me: uses the crucifix.
Rush: Ahahahahahahæanananana!
What did the duck do when he crossed the road?
The duck jumped into a pool of ant piles! 💀💀
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.
That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.
I went to McDonald's and I saw a line of fat people because they were selling free hamburgers.
Why did the boy kill his girlfriend?
Because he had a crush on her.
What do you call a Chinese assassin?
Chinese takeout.
When the moon hits the earth,
IT Moon-chan kissing Earth-chan.
Why was the piano waiting at the front door?
Because it forgot which key to use!
WAAAAAAAAAATERSHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKY!
What does it mean when a man sits on a boulder instead of on the ground? A bolder choice.
Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?
Wife: In a detective novel.
"Spell ICUP."