Short jokes
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.
What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?
They both hang from trees.
What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?
No funeral costs.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
A Mexican boy said, "I can't do this." Then a guy says, "You can do it, we are Mexican, not Mexicant."
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
Why was the guitarist arrested?
He fingered a minor.
Why did the cheetah get disqualified?
Because he was a cheetah, duh!
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle?
I’m bone to be wild!
How do cows laugh?
Moo-haha.
Your forehead's so big, it makes Kanye's ego small.
What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?
“Wait, you’re getting paid?”
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
If Al Gore started a math rock band, it should be called Algorhythm.
What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?
They sync properly.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
Rock, paper, lesbians.