Short jokes

Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.

Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!

Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?

It's called "One More Thyme."

I can do a very good Michael Jackson impersonation. I just need a kid who can keep a secret.

I would roast you but you're already so hot.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

What do you call a dead baby?

Spawn killed.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

Why can't orphans have sex?

They have no one to call "daddy".

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.

Husband: "I think I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it."

Wife: "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it."

Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.