Short jokes
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.
A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?
The wiener.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!
Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.
The Arabian Sea is in which state?
Liquid.
I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.
I hate the term feminazi. It is offensive to real Nazis.
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What do you call a dead baby?
Spawn killed.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.
Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"