Short jokes

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

I used to have a fear of hurdles.

But I got over it.

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?

A: You gonna eat that?

What do Evil Knievel and Michael Jackson have in common? Both have skidmarks on their helmets.

Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.

Kenny was into incest until his mom died.

Now he's into necrophilia.

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?

By dropping two of the biggest roasts.

What do you call a cute boy with Down syndrome?

Awwtistic.

What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?

They both hang from trees.

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.