Short jokes

"Twins sitting in class."

Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!

I like Cheetos.

I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.

Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.

What is Hitler's favorite food? A hindenburger.

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.

What did Trump rename the Presidential plane?

Answer: Hair Force One!

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?

The wiener.

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.