Short jokes

I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.

Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.

What is Hitler's favorite food? A hindenburger.

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.

What did Trump rename the Presidential plane?

Answer: Hair Force One!

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?

The wiener.

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.

How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!

Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.

The Arabian Sea is in which state?

Liquid.