Short jokes

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

Bad Hitler puns are infuhrerating.

what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?

sue the dating site for matching her with him.

I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.

Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.

Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

Why can't orphans have sex?

They have no one to call "daddy".

September 11th. #BringYourPlaneToWorkDay

What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?

Do you want to hang later?

I went to the principal's office because I gave a deaf kid ear pods for his birthday.

Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.

What do you call a dead baby?

Spawn killed.

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

Husband: "I think I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it."

Wife: "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it."