Short jokes
Why do orphans hate going to Costco? Because they need a parent to get samples.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.
It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.
What is a priest's favorite song?
-- Magic Flute in A minor.
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
Once I saw a girl crying and asked, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working at orphanages.
When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
9/11 victims are the best readers.
They went through hundreds of stories in a few seconds.
Why do pedophiles never win a race?
Because they are always coming in a little behind.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.