Short jokes

Dude, I lied.

Guys, my girlfriend calls me: "911, help! There’s a strange man in my room and I think he’s on drugs!"

She’s so nice.

I used to have an imaginary friend who I could talk to, and he could grant me wishes and stuff... and then I stopped going to church.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a can of Spam?

After 6 months in the woods, you'll still eat the can of Spam.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still no fucking idea.

What do ants use when they're stinky?

Deodorant.

Person 1: Wasn’t Stephen Hawking on X Factor?

Person 2: No, why would he be on X Factor?

Person 1: For dancing.

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

What's a penguin's favorite relative?

What's the difference between a dick and a rock?

One's hard.

Ed is Ed in bed, full of head.

Why do orphans love Dom Toretto?

Because "family is everything!"

Hiiiiiiiihihihi.

Why are you mad because no one wants to adopt me?

I want to be a pilot.

Your forehead is so big Mega Mind gets jealous.

Q: Why do women only use their lefts?

A: Because they don't have any rights.

Hi, I'm Depraashin.

Hi, I'm rope. May I hang with you guys?

Someone bullied a disabled person.

The disabled person said they can't stand it.

Why can't orphans become YouTubers?

They don't have electricity!