Short jokes
The tortoise was swimming through the lake. His head got stuck in plastic. He said, "Oh dam."
The emo kid tried to give me a handshake. Sadly, I left him hanging.
This is how to die soft 101.
Yo bro, you good? You need a hug?
My jokes are like your dad, you only see them for a few days.
Yo mama so fat...
That when she used a jump rope... Every time she jumped caused a giant cataclysm!
I went to a funeral to revive my dead grandmother with the Reboot Card, but my family was upset!
Why in Alabama people don't use doggy style... Cuz you don't turn your back to your family.
New Windex ad:
You should get Windex for that dirty mind!
Knock, knock? Who's there? A mirror, I'm lonely.
When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*
My best opinion: when life goes to hell, you just go down with it.
Why do orphans go on holiday?
To see what family is like.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
Why can’t a blind person be a teacher? Because they can’t control their pupils.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? I butter not tell you.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts!
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.