Short jokes
What 16 stoner rode a Derby winner?
Lester Piggott's.
Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.
Your mom is so fat, she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.
What do you call Scooby Doo with a blunt in his mouth? Scooby Dooby.
Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!
What happens to Stephen Hawking when he logs in to his account on Google when it says, "I am not a robot?"
Dad: Honey!
Mom: What?
Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.
Mom: WHAT!?
Children: *staring*
What do you call a dipshit?
A Charlie.
The reason your dad never came back with the milk is 'cause he ran 88 mph downhill.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
Mom: “Guess where I’m taking you, son!”
Son: “To the playground?”
Mom: “No, to the morgue.”
I'm jealous of the people who never met you.
I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and then give her blood so she can bleed more.
Have you met Bofa?
Bofa deez blind kids!
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
Your hairline goes back to the Middle Ages.
I saw your license. It said you're 15.
I checked your face. It says you're 50.
Your skin's so bright you could be used as a highlighter.
Niall Devine, clown.