Short jokes
A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?
The husband answers her: Pretty.
The wife responds: Thank yo-
The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!
How do you get a Pikachu on a bus?
You poke it on.
Where did Susie go after the bomb exploded?
Everywhere.
What did Steven Hawking say?
Nothing.
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.
I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?
Kurt Cobain's microphone.
My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
Question: How did the cat cross the river?
Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.
Stephen Hawking walking, oops, he does not do that anymore.
What do you call someone that looks like Stephen Hawkins and is a space head? Byron Davey.
I'm really bad at giving directions, but don't take that the wrong way.
What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
Gvido gubis.
What brakes but never falls, and what falls but never brakes?
Answer: Night falls and dawn brakes.
Question: Do you know who Candis is?
Answer: Can dis dick fit in your mouth?
Roses are red, Violets are twisted, Come back to my place, You might get fisted.
What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?
"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"