Short jokes
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.
I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
Ancestry.com is spelled with an “I” in Alabama.
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down!
What's worse than finding 10 babies in 10 dumpsters?
Finding 1 baby in 10 dumpsters.
I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!