Short jokes
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?
Because their meat has to be in bread.
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.
I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
Why did Beyonce say "to the left to the left"?
Because women don't have rights.
What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down!
Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?
A: They tend to crash and burn.