Short jokes
People are like tequila glasses,
you gotta shoot them down fast.
He only won the election because of rigging.
82 million votes my ass.
Ask me for proof.
How many redheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One! She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Your forehead is so big that babies can use it as a full-sized football pitch!
When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
Throw a plate.
It’s broken, right?
Say “sorry” to it.
Did it fix back?
No... that’s the same thing you did to me :)
What mountain do people like to race on?
Mount Rushmore.
Get it?
What did the pencil say to the piece of paper? You FLAT.
What did the spoon say to the pancake batter? You THICK.
A chicken walks into a bar.
He orders Dr. Pepper.
He then lays a good scrambled egg.
Deja-poo.
The sense or feeling you have dealt with this crap in the past.
Me: Hey, I’m your mom.
Orphan: Yay, you came back!
Me: Sike!
I like peanut butter and honey.
I wish my grass was edgy...
then it would cut itself...
Cow A: I slept with your sister!
Cow B: Never knew my brother was a girl!
All the other cows:
:O
Q: What do you call a skeleton that goes to school but doesn't do any work?
A: Lazy bones.
Two of my grandpas died in WW2.
Their tower fell over.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
He got ran over by a bus.
Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?
Can I push your stool in for ya?
If you have a twin sister, do you have the same name? Only if your mom and dad give you the same name.