Short jokes
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.
I am not making a noose; I am making an unsubscribe button for life.
Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!
I pushed a disabled kid down a busy road and yelled out, "Mario Kart!"
What did one God say to the other?
"I will die to be a man."
Has anyone alive ever died?
Is this our eternal life?
Why did Michael Jackson become white? He wanted to be like a ghost, and I have any feeheet.
What does Diana stand for?
Died In A Nasty Accident.
Huggy Wuggy big big Huggy Wuggy big big big big Huggy Wuggy laugh laugh smooch smooch Huggy Wuggy *insert clapping noise*
Are you suicidal? Remember, if you ever feel unwanted, just check to see your warrants.
Remember, the confession booth is not a glory hole.
What's the difference between a hooker and a burrito?
I don't eat burritos.
The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
What is the difference between an orphan and a mailman?
The mailman goes home at the end of the day.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
Me: Knock knock.
My Grandma: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting cow.
My Grandma: Interrupting c-
[Dies from heart attack]
Why do orphans never get a car?
Because their parents need to buy them one.