Short jokes
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
What do parents feeding their kids and terrorists have in common?
“Here comes the airplane!”
What does the A stand for in "orphan, adopt" from the orphan company?
Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?
A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!
What do you call a group of emos?
Suicide Squad.
My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
TV Darth Vader: "I'm your father!"
Orphans: "Yea."
Lynx Africa is based on a nice smell. Do you think Lynx England would smell like Stella and disappointment?
I wanted to tell a commie a joke about food, but he’d have to wait 10 years to get it.
What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?
"Smell ya later!"
Why does Joe Biden call women muffins?
'Cause muffins backwards is sniffum.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
That awkward moment when a fat kid says, “That’s how I roll.”
Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.
My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.
Me: *Realizes*
What's a little white dot on a priest's dick? A baby tooth.
I got a call from McDonald's; they want their sign back.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.
Purple.