Short jokes
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
How do you make a lesbian upset?
Give her a multiplication test.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
How do rappers keep themselves clean?
They drop SOAP BARS.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?
Have you ever thought about the fact that every market in Africa is a black market?
Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream?
Because he got hit by a bus.
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
What is a pedophile's favorite age range?
9-11.