Short jokes

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Why is jelly laughing a lot?

Because his friend goes nuts!

Did you know your dad was a magician? He disappeared the second he saw your ugly ass face!

A brunette fought and didn't get raped.

A blonde thought and did get raped.

What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?

There is none, they both go up in flames.

The reason why in the US their emergency number is 911 is because of my uncle Mohamed, RIP, best pilot ever.

Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.

Yo, barber fucked up so bad he pulled out a "Plants vs. Zombies" map and that shii fit perfectly.

Too many people.

Not enough VooDoo dolls.

Me: I found a group of furries in the woods.

Voice in back: Well, it looks like we're going huntin'.

Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?

In hope to find a mummy.

Guy: You won't eat a human, so why do you eat meat?

Other Guy: It is bold of you to think I won't eat a human.

I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)

Your mom is so ugly when she tried to enter the ugly contest, they said they don't allow professionals.

What did the evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

What is my most popular side of myself?

Suicide.

I'm pretty sure that 9/11 was the biggest game of Jenga ever recorded in history.

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?

Me: I have depression, what do you think?!