Short jokes

Why does the large dildo not have any friends?

He's a pain in the ass.

Emo t-shirt:

"EXISTENCE IS FUTILE."

How many times do you nut? It depends how hard you do it.

The History of the Star Spangled Banner. By Jose Cannusee.

Where does Spider-Man keep his pictures?

On a website.

What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?

Time to get in trouble!

What is your favorite name?

What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?

Time to get outside!

What is a cow that does magic?

A smart cow.

What is your favorite time of day?

What is a nut that says, "What is your favorite name?"

A magic nut.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Why did the boy not cross the road?

Because he was on thin ice.

I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.

She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...

Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,

'Cause she was transgender.

How many guns can an octopus hold?

9

"Scoop pa tun manaa?"

What's an orphan's favorite food? Nothing, they can't afford it.

Why were Helen Keller's hands crippled?

From reading stop signs at fifty miles per hour.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."