Short jokes
It was so cold out today believe it or not, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.
Amogus.
Do you guys know how to make a hoe in Minecraft?
You pick it up off the street.
I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.
And then I noticed that my cat was missing.
When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”
When a fat person wants to kill themselves, why are they so worried? The diabetes will get to them sooner or later!
What's Superman's weaknesses? Kryptonite and horses.
What is the best way to make a leaf?
Go down, back around, and stir up a tree. Make it spin, watch again. Oven baking, ding, we're done!
Why does new pavement smell like butt?
In other words you can also call it asphalt.
Ass-phalt.
Why can't Tottenham open a restaurant? Because they have no silverware.
Take a water bottle, shake it, you got piss.
Dad: You’re looking pretty sheepish.
Son: That’s too baaaaaad!
What does the chicken say when he didn't understand something?
"What hap-HENd?"
Teacher: Everyone, tomorrow is bring your mom to school day.
Me: Sorry but my mom's not gonna make it.
Teacher: Why?
Me: I'm an orphan, bitch.
How many redheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One! She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
What do you say to make a redhead mad?
Anything.
What's yellow and can't swim? My mom on Halloween.
Gwen pegs Xzavier.
Teacher: This assignment is big.
Student (male): I have something that's big.
Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.