Short jokes
When a fat person wants to kill themselves, why are they so worried? The diabetes will get to them sooner or later!
What's Superman's weaknesses? Kryptonite and horses.
What is the best way to make a leaf?
Go down, back around, and stir up a tree. Make it spin, watch again. Oven baking, ding, we're done!
Why does new pavement smell like butt?
In other words you can also call it asphalt.
Ass-phalt.
Why can't Tottenham open a restaurant? Because they have no silverware.
Take a water bottle, shake it, you got piss.
Dad: You’re looking pretty sheepish.
Son: That’s too baaaaaad!
What does the chicken say when he didn't understand something?
"What hap-HENd?"
Teacher: Everyone, tomorrow is bring your mom to school day.
Me: Sorry but my mom's not gonna make it.
Teacher: Why?
Me: I'm an orphan, bitch.
How many redheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One! She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
What do you say to make a redhead mad?
Anything.
What's yellow and can't swim? My mom on Halloween.
Gwen pegs Xzavier.
Teacher: This assignment is big.
Student (male): I have something that's big.
Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.
Why do orphans look at a house for so long?
'Cause they never had one.
I'm having sex with your mother. That makes me better than you.
I'm having sex with your mother. That makes me better than you.
*guitar solo*
Little Johnny died.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. A castle weighs a ton. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The Queen of England's won! I never thought she'd get it done, but her sister is a nun.
What do you call expired milk?
The Milky Way.
What is a shark’s favorite TV show? Sea-S-I.