Short jokes
Me: *watching TV*
Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!
Me: Really?
Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.
One time I was watching TV.
Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!
Me: Omg, really?
Mom: Sike, I lied.
I played catch with my friends, but they keep going to sleep when I throw it.
There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.
So I guess Ice Cube was right, Eazy's dick smelling like MC Ren's shit, and Eazy died of AIDS.
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Why did the kid cry?
His dad didn't get the milk.
What do you call an octopus on land?
A spider, duh!
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
When someone calls you, say "Welcome to Joe's Pizza Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce."
People are like sharks; only the great ones are white.
Yes (DYM 66).
Your mama is so fat, One Punch Man had to punch twice.
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: Impatient feminist.
Friend: Impati--
Me: Why don't we have equal pay YETTTTTTT?
Me: Mrs., can I read my book?
Teacher: Sure.
Me: *watching my Chromebook*
Why can't Stephen Hawking be a Rocket League car? Because he can't jump for an aerial.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and Rocket League? You can't stand up.
What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?
Caregiver.
What do you call a movie with kids with cancer? ... Finding Chemo.
My gamer tag is TheBigAut.