Short jokes
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
Your hairline goes so far back that it was getting whipped in the 1800s.
Your hairline is so far back, your barber didn't know where to start.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!
Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?
Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!
His name is Donald, but he looks like Goofy.
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.
Why?
The ducks keep trying to eat him.
Why would they do that?
Because he’s pure-bread.
What’s a vegetable’s favorite dance?
The cabbage patch.
What do gay men and drug dealers have in common?
They both get a lot of crack.
Why does your grandma like gardening so much?
Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
What is the best joke of all time?
Feminism.
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?
In a dog pound, people actually want them.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
What's a pedo's favorite snack?
Sour Patch Kids.
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.