Sex jokes

What is the difference between hungry and horny?

The cucumber goes to different places.

What do women and KFC have in common?

After you get done with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

What’s the speed limit in bed?

It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a good year, and one's a great year.

If having sex for money makes you a wh*re, then what does having sex for free make you?

Non-profit wh*reganisation.

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?

Fucks funny.

What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

Why were glow-in-the-dark condoms made?

To play Star Wars.

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

What do you call an orphan with a boner?

Porn.