Sex jokes

There are only 2 genders: if you have a dick, or a pussy.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

Why were glow-in-the-dark condoms made?

To play Star Wars.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

I like dick.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

What’s the difference between a hoe and a rooster?

A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a hoe says, "Any cock will do."

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

What's the best thing about fucking 21 year olds?

There's 20 of them.

🤔 ❓ How do lesbians 😳 practice safe 🙏 sex they put condoms on dildos and then they put dildos inside of their 👄 👄 👄 mouths and then they perform fellatio on them

What do you call 2 spies fucking?

Undercover.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.

I was accused of rape, but I swear she was a whore.

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.

My friend: Why?

Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.