Sex jokes

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Suck its cock.

What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?

I beat both of them.

The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"

Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.

...

I guess her rubber broke too.

2 weeks here.

What do dicks and popsicles have in common?

They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.

Are you Hiroshima? Because I want to drop my bomb inside you.

I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

*funny joke about dicks*

Having sex while camping is fucking in tents (intense).

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

What do ya call a legless prostitute in a strawberry field?

A jammy cunt.

So, no head?

How can you tell if your sister is on her period?

Your father's dick tastes funny.

Child: "Mom, what's an 'orgasm'?"

Mom: "I don't know, dear. Try asking your father."

While fucking a hot auntie, pressing tightly her boobs and fondling, He: What do you feed your babies? She: Milk and orange juice. He: Wow, which side is orange juice? 😋

I wanted to fuck my mom, but she replied, "My pussy only belongs to your dad." That's why I had to fuck her in the a$$!

A boy walks into class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."

Another boy walks in with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."

Then a girl walks in, and the teacher says, "And where on earth have you been?" The girl says, "Well, you see..." Then the teacher stops her and says, "Let me guess, on a peach hill?" The girl says, "No, on 2 big cucumbers."

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

What's the useless skin around the vagina? A woman.