Sex jokes
So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.
When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"
He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a good year, and one's a great year.
What’s the speed limit in bed?
It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.
Q: What did the porn actress say when she opened the door?
A: Make sure to come upstairs!
How do you make a blow job OSHA compliant? You add a railing!
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
What do you call getting gonorrhea from a disabled person?
A slow clap.
Why were glow-in-the-dark condoms made?
To play Star Wars.
What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
And microtransaction.
Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!
Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.
Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.
Why do pedophiles always lose a race?
Because they come in a little behind.
I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
I was accused of rape, but I swear she was a whore.
I like dick.