Sex jokes

What's the best thing about a blowjob?

- The silence.

There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.

Dr. Brody: Sir, your son has a disease called boofa.

Dad: What's boofa?

Dr. Brody: Both of these nuts in your mouth.

Q: How can you tell the sun is a boy?

A: It rises every morning.

What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

Their face when you nail them!

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.

How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?

When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

Life is like giving head... it always sucks.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."

Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?

Boyfriend: My mom taught me.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.

What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.

What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.

"Dad, what is 69?" asks son.

Dad: "Well son, it is a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally."

Son: "So what shall I write? Odd or even?"

Kenney lost his virginity to a $10 hooker, but he only had to pay $5. She was his sister, so he got the family discount.

Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?