Sex jokes
Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?
Little Johnny: "Your wife."
What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
A boy walks into class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."
Another boy walks in with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."
Then a girl walks in, and the teacher says, "And where on earth have you been?" The girl says, "Well, you see..." Then the teacher stops her and says, "Let me guess, on a peach hill?" The girl says, "No, on 2 big cucumbers."
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Don’t worry, it’s too long.
You should know it's important to wash your sex toys. That's why priests invented baptism.
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.
Plus, she's too young to smoke.
What’s the most annoying thing about licking bald pussy?
Putting the damn nappy back on afterwards…
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."
Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."
What do ya call a legless prostitute in a strawberry field?
A jammy cunt.
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.
What does a blowjob from an 80-year-old and bungee jumps have in common?
You feel the rush, but don't look down.
She'd suck my dick and let me suck her tits.
I got breast implants for my wife to squeeze on as she thrusts on my meat while straddled in between my legs.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
What did The Rock say to his dad?
"I'm gonna Rock Bottom my cock down your throat!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill’s real name was Randy.
Konan was having sex on the couch, thinking how he'd come so far.