Sex jokes

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

I was happy to find I could get a passing grade in all my subjects if I had sex with my teacher, until I remembered I'm home schooled.

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

I'm not going bungee jumping. I was born by broken rubber, and that's not how I'm going out.

It's important to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

What does having sex with a woman and cooking an egg in a skillet have in common?

Both end with a loud annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean the shit up.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick into someone's asshole.

What kind of sex do priests love?.

Nun.

What's the difference between Jane Doe and a field?

A field gets harvested in the fall, while Jane Doe gets plowed.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.

Getting ready for gangbang.

Sad to think about legend O.G. Mudbone being no longer with us.

I’m only curious how they closed his casket.

So I heard it was important to clean your sex toys, which is why priests invented baptism I guess.

My sex life.