Sex Jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Please like this. I bet my friend 20 bucks that I would get to 15 likes before him.

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

Jesse: Do you like my ball?

Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?

Jesse: No, they do not leave me.

What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

Depends on who's sucking.

"Can we do 69?"

"How about 9/11 because we're going to crash tonight?"

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.

What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?

They both broke and everybody cried.

Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

"Yeah, I'm taking her home."

He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

You should always wash your sex toys. That's why priests baptize babies.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

Why is Johnson’s baby shampoo the best lubricant for anal sex?

- No more tears.

What do both a hooker and a customer have in common? They come onto each other.