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What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

Jesse: Do you like my ball?

Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?

Jesse: No, they do not leave me.

What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

Depends on who's sucking.

Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.

What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?

They both broke and everybody cried.

Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

"Yeah, I'm taking her home."

He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.