Sex jokes
What’s the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?
There’s twenty of them!
I would make a joke about your sister, but she banged me.
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."
What do you call a fat bitch that eats cum from used condoms? Your mom!
"Dick me down shorts."
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
My dick is like the way home for an orphan, its length is never-ending.
Ex-girlfriend: “I can smell fish.”
Ex-boyfriend: “I can smell sh*t.”
Ex-boyfriend: “Well, how many boys swam down there?”
Ex-girlfriend: “20!”
Fish: “Wasn’t me, I don’t swim around mistakes.”
Why is my pee pee 2 inches in length but 5 in girth?
I was eating this girl out the other day and I tasted horse semen... I looked up at the girl and said “that’s how you died, grandma!”
Why did Cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland?
Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie, bastard, lie!"
Why do pedos like to lose races? Because they like to cum on a little behind.
Him: I work with animals all day.
Her: Awwww what do you do?
Him: I'm a pornstar.
What’s the difference between a bullet and a prostitute? They both burst a barrel.
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.
I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
Why are most West Virginians going to hell?
Their favorite pastimes (inbreeding and bestiality) are an abomination unto the Lord.
What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.