Sex jokes
My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.
Suc my dic
Charizarding.
When you light a girl's pubes on fire, put it out with your jizz, then flap your arms and say, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"
I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.
She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.
What's the difference between a dick and a cannon?
Your dick shots longer.
This is a lot like anal sex.
You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.
A kid came from school. His mother said, "What did you do in school?" The boy replied, "I had sex with my teacher." She said, "OH MY GOD, GO TO YOUR ROOM, WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAD COMES!" He waited, then his dad walked in and said, "Your mother told me what you did. I'm proud of you, son. Let's go buy you a bicycle." When they arrived to the store, the dad said, "Try out and see which seat is the comfortable." The boy said, "I can't, my butt is sore." Dad said, "Why is your butt sore?" The Boy said, "Because I had sex with my teacher."
What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?
Nothing, he just started wanking.
Don't you hate when you have sex with your teacher, then remember you're home schooled?
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.
Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.
The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."
Rob, you forgot to pay me for letting you sucky sucky on my thang.
AKA you're for sale.
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
I just had sex.
What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.
Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them.
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.
What's the difference between anal and oral sex?
An and Or!
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road? Why couldn't the pervert cross the road? Because his dick was in the chicken's ass!