Say jokes
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?
"Keep this shit between you and me."
I don't see why people say emo kids never hangout.
You know the saying "One man's trash is another man's treasure?"
Wonderful saying! Horrible way to find out you're adopted! :DD
Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?
Kid: Why?
Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.
Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.
Man: Why?
Kid: I'm an orphan.
Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!
(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")
What does a pirate say to the president?? Spread your legs so I can get my treasure back.
How do you say “Yes, you look good” in Spanish?
– Sí...
See deez nuts!
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.
"Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Susie says "He said 'Good morning Mrs. Cow!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the pig next, and the pig said 'Good morning, Mister Farmer!'. Johnny, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Johnny says "He said 'Good morning Mr. Pig!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the chicken, and the Chicken said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Billy, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Billy says "The farmer said 'Holy shit, that chicken is fucking talking!'"
People say towers can't move. Apparently, nobody told that to the Trade Centers.
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stephen.
Can't you read? It says "No Hawking."
Say all the planets: Mars, Saturn, Uranus.
There are 3 men: an American, a French, and an Italian who have to take a trip and take the plane.
The American puts his hand out the window and says: "We are in America, I touched the Statue of Liberty." The French says: "We are in France, I touched the Eiffel Tower." The Italian says: "We are in Italy, I touched the garbage!"
What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.
Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?
Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.
What does it say on Stephen Hawking's headstone?
R. I. P. Roll in Peace.
They say Jesus walked on water.
That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
Why can you say "Kobe" even though you missed?
Because he didn't land either.
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!
What did Stephen Hawking say when he rode a bike?
"Hey look...no hands...or legs!"