Said jokes

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love before he died?

A: “Holes gonna be big.”

A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

When Elsa said, "Let it go," you took it too seriously and let go of your hairline.

When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because people always said, "Go big or go home," and he only had one option. 😂🤣

What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?

"Sum ting wong."

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

When rejected:

That's ok, the 3 other little pigs said no, too.

I wanted another piece of pizza... but she said I could only have One Piece.