Said Jokes

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull. A jewish guy behind me said “a skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers.”

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed". I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there son".

“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored I draw on my hands with pen, well this guy walks up to me and says “ you know I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself” and so without thinking I said “ well I’ve already got those so I think I’m fine.... 😳he looked concerned. Oops lol

Why did the silly boy 👦 take the Christmas tree 🎄 to a barber?

Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed.

my mum said take out the trash so I took my sister

My boss said she would’ve loved to meet bill Cosby as a child. I don’t get why im getting arrested, I was just making sure he dream came true

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office. "I'm feeling like killing myself," he said. "Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

a man walks up to lil johnny one day and asks if you had one wish but that wish will be granted to everyone on earth so the lil johnny thinks real hard and long then said well i would wish for me to shit my self and the man is shocked and asks why and lil johnny reply's well i would be on the toilet i thing everyone else would just be confused

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street, he thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with so he called in one of the friends. The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "yep that's definitely Joe," but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that's not Joe. the policeman called in the 2nd friend, the 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "yep that's definitely Joe," but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that's not Joe. Confused the policeman asked, "how is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?" The 1st friend said, "well you see Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious? the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, hey there's Joe with those 2 assholes."

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said; “Well, that’s a little condescending.”