Said jokes

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

GOTTVERDAMMT, Hans! I said, "Glass of juice," not "Gas the Jews!"

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"

When Ariana Grande broke up with Pete, she said, "I have one less problem without you."

I go to get my mail.

Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

So, one day a teacher asked, "How many of you have thought of committing suicide?" Half of the class raised their hand, but the teacher said, "Where are Jesse and John?"

I saw an orphan fall in the street crying, so I ran up to him and said, "Are you okay? Where are your parents?"

Wow, Gwen even said she loves TJ! She just did!

Prince, look at it. You are going to be crushed. It is in bored jokes and it has 65 comments, look there!

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

What did the grape say when the Meerkat stepped on it?

It said nothing, just let out a little wine.

I called my dog J. They said, "Joné."

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

Your mama so fat, when Pennywise said, "We all float down here," he saw her and suddenly knew he was mistaken.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"