Said jokes

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

The terrorists said over the intercom, "We're coming up to our destination, so we can't go over it, we can't go under, we have to go through it."

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

I wanted another piece of pizza... but she said I could only have One Piece.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.