Said jokes

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."

When Elsa said, "Let it go," you took it too seriously and let go of your hairline.

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

My friend said my life was a joke.

No jokes have meaning.