Said jokes

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.

Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love before he died?

A: “Holes gonna be big.”

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

I wanted another piece of pizza... but she said I could only have One Piece.

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because people always said, "Go big or go home," and he only had one option. 😂🤣

What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?

"Sum ting wong."

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"