Said jokes

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because people always said, "Go big or go home," and he only had one option. 😂🤣

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

I was walking till I saw a kid sitting on the street. I walked over there and said, "Where are your parents?" He cried even more.

Oh, I just love talking to orphans.

Your mom said, "Can you get to the dick game?"

Get a calculator.

Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

Joe mama so fat, hello kitty said goodbye.

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to unlock her phone with her face, it said, "disconnected."

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!