Said jokes

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

Your mom said, "Can you get to the dick game?"

Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

Get a calculator.

Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because people always said, "Go big or go home," and he only had one option. 😂🤣

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

Horrible Jokes, Part One- A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing. He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I was walking till I saw a kid sitting on the street. I walked over there and said, "Where are your parents?" He cried even more.

Oh, I just love talking to orphans.

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.