Said jokes

I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

What was one phrase Michael Jackson said to a boy in his bed? Baby, be mine.

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."

Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."

Control tower to Boeing 747, you're clear to land on (said person)'s forehead.

When rejected:

That's ok, the 3 other little pigs said no, too.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."

A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

How do you know that a woman is about to say something smart?

She starts the sentence with ‘a man once said.’

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.