Said Jokes

My doctor said "you have 1year to live"

I said " you wanna bet"

Bam a gun shot

Three nuns had to go before mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says have you sinned? Yes I have mother I have stolen a bicycle. Okay said mother Superior okay said mother Superior say 100 holy Marys and put dip your hand in the holy water... Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned she slept with a married man.. so mother Superior says okay save 500 hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way the third nun comes up and she says I peed in the holy water 🤣😂🤣😂😁😁🌈

Today is the day of 9/11 and we were in class making jokes and somebody said that’s sad and I was like why and they said “ today is the day the towers went down” and I said just like I did on you mum last night

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie. I responded "yes" and he said: "okay, 14159"

My sister said that you no that that is really cool than I said you no you can shut up

I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn't giving birth the bloody car would not start .

I got a job at a library once, i got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

My Aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or its useless, throw it away." the next time my Aunt visited she said "Where is you daughter?" my Mom said "I took your advice"

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said "you are what we are looking for, but i need to test your skills." *he hands her a pen* He said "sell me this pen" She puts in between her boobs.

It was dinner in the plane and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner "What are my choices?"the passenger said.? "Yes or No," the flight attendant replied.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.

I said, 'I shit you not.'

I was thinking of a good accident joke and I asked my sister, she said you

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with "what do you mean I already did it" then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said "Aww it pays to be lazy!"

the fat kid asked the teacher "is godzilla real" the teacher said "they're standing right infront of me"

One day a man was fixing a car, an he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like "dude, this can't be healthy." But he said "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

My friend asked me how fast my humor was and I said it jumps borders then he asked how dark my humor is and I said it picks cotton.