Said jokes

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

A Mexican boy said, "I can't do this." Then a guy says, "You can do it, we are Mexican, not Mexicant."

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

A starving homeless kid asks me for food.

I said, "sorry, my plate is full."

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Yo mama so ugly even Hello Kitty said goodbye.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.

So, I was in the church the other day, raping this woman, when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

How do you know that a woman is about to say something smart?

She starts the sentence with ‘a man once said.’