Said jokes

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”

Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.

That's why he married Courtney Love.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

Wanna hear a joke?

Yeah.

...

What's the joke?

I said it already!

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

I asked my sister to say something.

She said, "No."

That's what I like to hear.

When you ask for plastic surgery, they said, "We could not fix you, but the only way is to wear a mask to fix your ugly face."

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

I asked a European what do you call Karens in your country? He said, "American women."

"Officer, don’t arrest me, she said she was 5 in dog years!"

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"

What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?

"Alpaca my bags."

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.