Said jokes

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

People have houses, but I don't have a house because I don't have parents, said the orphan.

I gave a blind kid a pistol and said it was a hairdryer.

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."

Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?

She said a monster attacked her.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"

Why did my [redacted] a girl because she said, "Uh."

Fancy playing rodeo sex?

"OK then," she said!

Then put your dick in her ass and say it’s not as tight as your sister’s ass and hold on for dear life... real life cow bow boy shit!

Little Johnny once was at a camp and asked his teacher if he could sleep with her because he was homesick, so the teacher said yes. A few seconds later, Little Johnny asked if he could run his finger in her bellybutton, and she said yes.

A few seconds later, she moaned and felt so good, but it was not his finger putting it down her bellybutton; it was his dick and her penis.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

So, I saw two homeless people on the road fighting. I said, "Stop fighting and go home." I guess it was a little insensitive.

Yo mama so dumb, when Fox Five said it's chilly outside, she brought a bowlllllll!