Russia jokes

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

In America, you fight Ukraine.

In Soviet Russia, you fight Mykraine.

I have gathered intelligence regarding the Russian Forces that have been stalled in Ukraine for days. Apparently, they are installing rear view mirrors on their combat vehicles and tanks in order to see the battle at the front lines.

The "S" in Putin stands for smart.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."

A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.

First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.

When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.

The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.

"Why did you move?" the German asked.

The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."

Yo mama is so fat, the country of Russia isn't big enough to house her!

Why did Joe Biden go to the hospital? Because he couldn't stop Putin.

Gays: I like men.

Straights: I like women.

Russia: Hole is hole.

Pickup lines in 2022 are like: "Are you Russia? Because your bombs are so big!"

A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.

Russia went from N-95 to M-16 real quick...

Anyone know about the war? It's not Russia we should hate, it's Putin that we should. 🙄🤪💅

In Ukraine, there was a massive wake-up call by Russia. But for some, the results were the opposite.

My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

So, if Russia was the motherland and Germany was the fatherland, what does that mean?

The Western Front is domestic violence.

A Russian, a Cuban, and an Englishman are on a ship. The Russian takes a swig of vodka and throws the bottle overboard. The Cuban and Englishman with astonishment say to the Russian, "What did you do that for?"

The Russian says, "In Russia, we got an unlimited supply of vodka."

A little while later, the Cuban lights up a cigar, takes a puff, and throws it overboard. The Cuban says, "We got an unlimited supply of Cuban Cigars in Cuba."

Then the Englishman grabs a Paki and throws him overboard...

"Maga be like Antifa invaded Ukraine, but I thought Antifa was Russia, you dumb Maga chuds!"

Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.