Russia jokes
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map of North America.
"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
"Where is Germany again, Father?"
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."
"Yes?"
"Has Hitler seen this map?"
Putin is so obsessed with territorial expansion, he’s even trying to annex your mama’s bedroom.
Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?
Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.
Why are Russians forced to drink grizzly bear piss in Russia?
Because vodka in Russia is weak.
In America, you work on a plantation.
In Soviet Russia, the plantation works on you!
"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"
What is the country that is always in a rush? Russia.
"History's repeating itself. WWIII is coming, and the second Russia nukes the U.S., they're all getting fucked."
Dmitri! Where's my vodka?
In America, you find Waldo.
In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds you.
Putin is the only person whose country is bigger than his mind.
1 like = 1 Ukrainian child sent to Russia.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?" "Because I was Russian!"
What did Donald Trump serve to Justin Trudeau at a state dinner?
Poutine with Russian dressing!
You ever notice that the USA could be a part of Russia?
RUSSIA US A
Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?
Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!
Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."
A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.
After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."
Ukraine vs. Russia is CS:GO live the movie!